Pictures of Aaron

Here is a slide show of photos my oldest son put together. The music is from Vivaldi's Four Seasons, one of Aaron's favorites. 

The next three posts tell you more about Aaron's life and passing. If you would like to read more about Aaron, make sure you are using a computer and click on the tab "Aaron" right under Happy Hartz. If you are on your phone, scroll to the bottom of this page and click on "View web version." Then you will be able to see tabs near the top of my blog and you can click on the one that says "Aaron." It will bring up a bunch of posts for you to choose from.

If the video won't play for you, click HERE to go watch it on youtube.

The Miracle of Aaron

I gave this talk at Aaron's funeral service on March 17, 2017.

From the beginning, Aaron’s life on earth was a miracle. Aaron was born peacefully and easily with no real pain to me. In fact, the nurses wanted to send me home from the hospital because they couldn’t believe I was in hard labor. His name “Aaron James” came to us through inspiration and we never discussed any other boy’s names.

In December 2015, we nearly lost Aaron. Through a series of miracles, and the inspiration of his roommate and siblings, God saved Aaron’s life and brought him home to us. Aaron knew he needed medical treatment and he began an intensive outpatient program. He received the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and started medication and therapy.

Aaron’s illness was not really visible. He looked healthy and functioned well. None of us could see the pain he was suffering inside. We only knew about it when he told us and he did that infrequently. He once explained his feelings to me through an analogy. He said that it was like he no longer in saw in color. Everything was gray. He was hopeful that with treatment, the color would slowly return to his life. Aaron once told John that it felt like he was walking through water or mud instead of just walking freely. Another way to describe it was that he was looking through a different lens. Aaron was a very private person and he didn’t want to tell others about his illness. We respected his privacy and didn’t share his diagnosis with many people. Now that Aaron is gone, John and I feel that it is important to speak out about mental illness.

Aaron didn’t “take his life.” His life was taken by the disease of bipolar disorder. That illness is the reason he died. He wasn’t trying to escape and he didn’t “make a poor choice.” He didn’t give up or give in. He did his best and did everything he could to recover. Looking back, we realize that he struggled with this for over five years. While we are on this earth, we will likely never understand what he went through. Aaron suffered from a terrible illness that ultimately took his life.

We recently heard from an old friend who shared the struggle with bipolar disorder in her family. She said, “We didn’t tell anyone because people thought if you were in that much pain, you must be doing something really wrong.”

Mental illness is not a character flaw or a moral failing. It is a disease of the brain. Like other diseases, it can often be controlled through proper treatment. Individuals with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses often live long, healthy, full lives. But the brain, like other organs in the body, sometimes does not respond well to treatment. Sometimes, as in Aaron’s case, the illness proves fatal. Aaron spent most of 2016 at home with our family and we treasured every moment with him.

In August of 2016, we took our Elder Evan to the MTC and Marianne and Aaron stayed in Provo for the fall semester at BYU. Aaron found an excellent doctor and therapist in Provo. He moved into an apartment with three wonderful roommates. Amazingly, two of them spoke Korean and one of them is from Canada. Aaron lived close to his cousin Emma, his brother and sister, aunts uncles, cousins, nieces and nephew. He had a great deal of support from all of them. He hiked Mount Timpanogos with his brother Ryan. He invited Marianne to his apartment and shared his favorite foods with her. He went to parties, football games, ward activities, international cinema and family get-togethers. Aaron had an amazing bishop and we were surprised to learn that recently, Aaron had shared his mental health struggles with his bishop. His bishop told us that Aaron was a pure soul.

We knew that Aaron’s life was a precious gift. God gave us an incredible gift of 15 extra months with our Aaron. We treasure his entire life, but especially the memories we have made together since December 2015. We are heartbroken to lose our incredible son, but John and I have been blessed by the Lord with peace and comfort. We have received an undeniable assurance that Aaron had faithfully completed his work upon the earth. We know without a doubt that he is in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ and is surrounded by his grandparents and others who love him.

I know that we are not the only ones suffering. All of us here today (and others who could not be with us) are mourning together the loss of Aaron’s life at such a young age. The one thing we can find solace and comfort in is that Aaron is living in a way he couldn’t before. He is free from illness and his brain is clear.

The quote by Dostoevsky in the program is from Aaron’s favorite book.

Every time that you weep be sure to remember that your little son is one of the angels of God, that he looks down from there at you and sees you, and rejoices at your tears, and points at them to the Lord God; and a long while yet will you keep that great mother's grief. But it will turn in the end into quiet joy, and your bitter tears will be only tears of tender sorrow that purifies the heart and delivers it from sin.

 - Fyodor Dostoevsky from The Brothers Karamazov 

This quote talks about a mother’s grief, but I think it applies to all of us. It describes the miracle that our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ can work in our lives. They take something terrible and find a way to use it to bless our lives. As this quote describes, I pray that our tears will be tender and they will purify our hearts.

Last night we were reading through Aaron’s journals and he wrote down some of his dreams. One was about living in a house made of ice. They only had decorative skis to use. Here’s what Aaron wrote:

7-14-14 To me, dreams are wonderful. Dreams never tell you "That's impossible! An ice wall in your apartment? Skiing on an ornamental pair of skis? That's absurd!" Dreams simply are. They simply exist. They are wonderful because they are absurd, and because they do not question or even recognize their own absurdity. A dream is a gift of inspiration from the subconscious mind. The opportunity to experience the "impossible". 

May the Lord bless each of us to receive the inspiration we need.

Marianne and Aaron

This was written by my 20 year old daughter Marianne as part of a mental health campaign at Brigham Young University.

You hear the word mental illness and you cringe. You hear the word suicide and your heart beats uncomfortably. It's not a fun subject to talk about. It's easier to stay silent, but NOW is the time to talk and we so desperately need to talk. Why? 

On March 6, 2017 my brother Aaron Hartzell, a current BYU student, died from bipolar disorder by suicide. I think it is important to realize that even the brightest, most intelligent minds within our school are struggling with mental illness. Aaron didn't "take his life." His life was taken by the disease bipolar disorder. That illness is the reason he died. He wasn't trying to escape and he didn't "make a poor choice." He suffered from a terrible illness that ultimately took his life. Aaron tried his hardest, for 5 years. He didn't give up easily. He did everything he could to recover. Sometimes the brain (like any other organ) responds well to treatment and sometimes it doesn’t.

We need to start talking, for ourselves, for our peers, for our future generation and for our own children. I believe the time is now to brush aside the stigma and stereotypes about bipolar and all mental illnesses, no matter how small or how severe.  We need to educate ourselves the best we can, for ourselves and for those around us. We need to cultivate an environment at BYU where metal illness is not viewed as sinful or abnormal, but is seen like any other illness--like diabetes, cancer or chronic pain. 

One stereotype our world needs to overcome is that all mental illness and all suicidal tendencies are the same. They are not. One misconception I saw over and over again when talking to people about Aaron is that they thought that Aaron didn't know his worth, didn't have hope or thought he wasn’t loved. All three of those things were false in Aaron's case. Aaron was a righteous young man. Aaron did have hope; he did everything he could and hoped that his illness would get better. Aaron knew he was loved. He didn't wake up one day feeling lonely and decide to kill himself. Aaron's life ended because the pain he was experiencing was so great and unimaginable and a part of his brain was so ill that this option was the only way he believed he could find peace. We cannot judge those who are suicidal, or have other mental illness and we cannot pretend to understand their sufferings, because unless we have suffered it ourselves, we will not understand. However, we can love them. We can be their friend. We can pray for them. We can make sure they are getting the medical help they need and we can be a listening ear. We can help those suffering, but not through making assumptions about their illness. 

We don't need to wait until someone dies from mental illness. We need to talk about it before it happens. Aaron was an intelligent student, deep thinker and had the mind of a philosopher. Although close family members were aware of Aaron's fight with bipolar disorder, Aaron did not share his illness with his peers. I believe this was because he felt he would be looked at differently--academically, socially, and as a human being. I believe that some of Aaron's fears about his peers looking down on him are genuine and real problems. Are we doing our job as BYU students to create an environment of kindness and compassion, where those with mental illness will not feel isolated or pitied?

Mental illness may seem scary, but as we inform ourselves and talk to those around us, it doesn't have to be. It's 2017. Will we continue to let mental illness and suicide be a taboo subject that we believe doesn't affect us, our fellow students, or the people we love? The choice is ours and we need to decide. Now. 

Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk

On Monday, March 6, 2017 we received word that our 24 year old son Aaron had passed away. I will never forget what I was doing at that moment. What was it?

First, the back story. In January, 2017 our family traveled to Washington DC. One day while riding the Metro, I noticed a poster. It caught my attention and intrigued me so much that I took a picture of it. Later I checked out the website and discovered the overnight “Out of the Darkness” walk sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I was surprised to find out that there are two of these overnight walks this year, one in DC and one in San Diego. I considered doing the walk, but I decided the date wasn’t convenient. I thought about the walk a few times and talked to my husband and sister about it.

Near the first of March, something changed. Suddenly, I could not get this walk out of my mind. I thought about it constantly and I knew that God was prompting me to take action. Finally, the evening of March 6^th, I could wait no longer. I called my sister Jenny and told her I HAD to register for the walk immediately and I invited her to join me. She agreed and we spent an hour registering, planning our team details, and working on our fundraising pages.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. John answered it and stepped outside onto the porch. I paid very little attention because I was absorbed in my computer and talking to Jenny on the phone. Then my 5 year old daughter Lavender asked me, “Why is Daddy talking to the cops?” I set down my computer and ended my phone call. I put on a video for Lavender and went outside. My husband was on the phone with a detective in Utah. Our local sheriff’s department had given him the number and asked him to call regarding an urgent matter inolving Aaron.

When he ended the call and told me our son was gone, we cried and hugged and spent the rest of the evening talking to our children and close family members. It wasn’t until the next day that I realized the irony, or perhaps the miracle of what I had been doing when we learned that Aaron was gone. God knew and He prepared me for that moment.

To learn more about the Out of the Darkness overnight walk, click the link below.

http://www.theovernight.org/participant/MelanieHartzell

Wedding Extras.

In a previous post I mentioned the wedding we attended while Evan was receiving his awards at the fair. Our good friend Josh was married to the beautiful Rachel in the San Diego LDS temple. We have known him and his wonderful family for 19 years. It is always a joy to see a young couple starting their life together by being sealed for all eternity. It is also a great opportunity to reunite with friends you don't get to see very often!

I apologize for failing to get a photo of the bride, but here is a picture of the groom and his handsome groomsmen. Aaron has been friends with most of these guys since he was four years old.

Here are Michael, Meryl, John and Aaron. Four friends enjoying the wedding reception. These awesome young adults (and Josh the groom who was probably busy dancing, cutting cake, kissing the bride or something) were all homeschooling buddies and grew up together. Meryl was the first to get married early last year and she and her husband now live in our ward! John also recently returned from his LDS mission to Texas and he spoke at church on Sunday (which also happened to be Father's Day). What a weekend!

But it wasn't just the kids who had a reunion.  I loved getting to see some of my best friends. I didn't get any pictures at the wedding or reception, but here are a couple from the beach on Monday.

Jenny, Sheree, Angela and I homeschooled our kids together and worked to create a new commonwealth school where our teens met for weekly classes. These women are awesome mentors who helped me raise my kids. I love any excuse to get together with them!

I think you are officially middle aged when your social life revolves around weddings. How many years before funerals become the big events?!

First Love

This afternoon Lavender gave her big brother Aaron a hug and then asked me, "When we grow up, can we get married like you and daddy?"

"You can get married when you grow up, but not to Aaron. You will marry some who isn't your brother. Someone tall and strong and good like Aaron."

"How about Evan?"

"No. Evan is tall and strong and good, but you can only marry someone who isn't your brother."

"I know! Ryan!"

"Ryan is your brother too. You can't marry him. You can marry someone who is little right now, but when you grow up, he will be big and strong and good. Doesn't that sound great?"

"No!" She gave me an exasperated look and snuggled up to Aaron.

Final Adventures

The kids had an amazing time in Switzerland. They were able to meet some of our relatives and even see the house where their great, great grandpa was born. When we visited my grandpa in the last few years of his life, he was much more talkative than he had ever been. He gave them advice and they will always remember grandpa telling about the three mountains in his favorite oil painting: the Eiger, Mönch and Jungfrau.

They never imagined they would get to see those mountains in person! Marianne told me she felt her great grandpa near and that he was happy they were there in the land of their family. Our Swiss relatives were so excited because they knew my grandparents well, but Marianne & Aaron were the first of their descendants to visit and sign their guest book.

Three-Fifths Done!

Our travelers have been in Europe for three weeks and have two more to go! They've been to:
London
Bergen & Oslo, Norway
Berlin & Dresden, Germany
Prague, Czech Republic
Rome

Now they're in Florence, Italy and they still have Switzerland and France left to see!

The couch surfing and B & Bs have worked out well. There was one place that was dirty and smoky, but John got online and found them a cheap hotel, so all was well! He is a pretty amazing travel agent/concierge!

I have enjoyed daily updates from Marianne. She sends me pictures and we chat every night once she has wifi.

Aaron doesn't usually contact me unless I make the first move or request pictures.

They are both great photographers, but it is fun to see the difference in their styles. Marianne sends me funny selfies that make me laugh, photos of her meals, pictures of their rooms, favorite paintings/sculptures and beautiful shots that she has edited.

Aaron sends landscapes, architecture and photos with interesting angles and/or points of view.

Here are a few shots for fun. Can you guess who took them?

Funny Girl

Yesterday we got in the car to go to Costco. I said, "Hop in your car seat, doll."
She said, "I not a doll. Don't call me doll."
"What should I call you? Kitty-cat?" I teased.
"Call me . . . neighbor!" She replied with a laugh. She continued, "Hi there neighbor!" And gave me a friendly wave.

That afternoon, Aaron gave Lavender a ride in one of the big boxes from Costco. He even attached a rope as a handle and pulled her through the house while the box slid around on the tile. Lavender loved it and wanted to play again today. After awhile, she told Aaron that it was his turn. She insisted he get in the box and she tried to pull him with all her might. She was frustrated when he wouldn't budge. Fortunately, she accepted my suggestion to give bunny and monkey a ride instead.

Homecoming

We were waiting at the wrong baggage claim area, but a shuttle driver
overheard us talking and told us where he saw "the guy with a badge."
All sixteen of us ran through the airport carrying our "Welcome Home!"
signs and eventually we found him. Elder Aaron is home at last! What a
wonderful day.

A New To Do List

Elder Aaron emailing from the church in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario

Elder Aaron emails us each week. I almost always get a fairly long email and he often sends an email to the immediate family.  This week John and I both got very short emails of a couple of sentences, but Marianne and Evan both received long emails.  Evan asked his big brother for advice about what to do in his spare time.  Aaron replied with a long list of ideas.

I thought I would share it with you in hopes it might spark an idea for you or for a family member. Sometimes we just need a little inspiration to get started on a project!

1. Learn how to operate ham radio and talk to people over the radio. 
2. Write in your journal about meaningful experiences in your life. Write about your goals, what you want to accomplish, and who you want to become. Take a video logs of yourself answering these questions. 
3. Play the piano. 3.5 Take voice lessons 
4. Find a service that lets you video chat with deaf people and practice ASL with a native speaker. Or find deaf people in Poway and practice with them. There has to be a deaf group somewhere in Poway. They would probably be impressed that you're striving to learn their language. [Marianne & Evan are taking an ASL class at the community college.] Don't worry if you can't communicate very well just practice. 
5. Interview Grandpa about his life and record the interview by video and/or audio. Have him record stories from his life. How did he join the church? How did he meet grandma? What were his pastimes as a teenager? What are his memories of his parents? 
6. Learn about computer hardware and build a computer. 
7. Work out at Brother Killen's house. [A friend with weights and equipment we can use for free.]
8. Seriously research universities. Why would you want to go there? What do you want to study there? What do you want to do when you graduate? Will you go to graduate school? 
9. Start taking a picture of yourself every day. By the time you're 25 you'll have a photographic history of growing up. That would be awesome! 
10. Have Dad teach you about financial stuff and develop a financial plan for your life. 
11. Play with Lavender or plant a garden with Evan. 
12. Build a password scheme for your different accounts. 
13. Make your passwords stronger than they are now. 
14. Check out the original papyrus for facsimile no.1 in the Book of Abraham on josephsmithpapers.org. 
15. Plan a Family home evening and carry it out. 
16. Work on your Eagle Scout project. (This one doesn't apply to Marianne directly. Maybe it can be "Help Evan with his Eagle project")
17. Convince Mom and Dad to take the family to a Jewish worship service on a Saturday. Find a good synagogue that would be happy to have you. Study a little about Judaism before you go. It would be a good cultural experience. 
18. Take principles from chapter 3 in Preach My Gospel and learn what other faiths believe about those principles. If possible, ask a real person. Write a paper about it. Do Roman Catholics believe in a premortal life? What do orthodox Jews think about baptism? How does the Islamic perception of God differ from your beliefs? 
19. Take pictures.

Did you know Elder Aaron will be home in 15 days?!  The kids told him we can visit a Jewish synagogue together after he gets home.

Can't wait to see him in two weeks!

Update on My Kiddos

We had a fun time in Palm Springs with Ryan, Molly and the girls a couple of weeks ago and this week we went to the beach and the movies together.  It is always an adventure with the three little girls.  They love each other so much, but they also love to fight over everything!  And it seems that whatever snacks I bring, Leighton and Brianne want those.  They don't want the ones their mom brought, but of course Lavender does!  Leighton always wants two of everything.  When I hand her a cookie she says, "Two! Two!" When we went to see Monsters University,  Brianne started going through my purse and I asked her what she was looking for.  She said she wanted a book. I told her I didn't have any books in my purse, but she insisted. "Don't worry Grandma.  I can find the books."  Those girls crack me up!

Elder Aaron is still in Toronto speaking Korean.  He has learned greetings and common phrases in several different languages and he really enjoys meeting people from so many different cultures.  In the past few months, he and his companion have been invited over for dinner several times by various people.  He has had Persian food and Chinese food and he loves both!  The big news is that we have a release date for Elder Aaron.  He will be home on September 25th.  I can't wait to see him!

Just received this picture today via email. Not sure who sent it, but I appreciate it!

Marianne spent the week at Girls Camp as a Youth Camp Leader. Her group was called the Fearless Fairies and they had all kids of cute fairy accessories for the girls, including wings!  I don't think I ever posted about her experience as a Shakespeare Mentor.  Since last September, Marianne has been helping to teach the Shakespeare class at our Commonwealth school.  She has done everything the adult mentors have done:  presenting lectures, leading discussions, teaching acting skills, grading papers etc. During April and May she went to rehearsal 3 times a week and helped the students prepare for their big performance at the end of May.  They presented As You Like It set at Hogwarts! It was a really fun combination of themes. Finally, Marianne knows the secret to getting FREE cupcakes from Sprinkles Bakery.

Evan finished his online driver's education training today. That means he can get his learner's permit as soon as he turns 15 1/2.  His Eagle Scout project is also in the works and he plans to finish it this summer.  Evan even went to Girls' Camp, but only for the day.  He was invited to come and teach the girls how to slackline.  He came home with very tired legs after all day on the slackline, but he had a fun time and was happy to see that almost every girl was willing to try it.  Now all the girls in the stake know my son.  Should I be worried? That is probably a teenage boy's dream come true. The young men in our stake made a video for the girls.  You can check it out HERE.  Evan is wearing a dark gray TAC shirt.  Here he is during our final biology lab for the semester.

Lavender is such a busy girl! She was such a sweet, peaceful baby that her intensity as a toddler caught me by surprise.  She started running soon after she took her first steps and she is always on the go.  She has also figured out that she can let everyone know what she wants, even if it means screaming! I know that her persistence really is a good quality and it is fun to watch her practice a new skill over and over until she masters it. When she was learning to get on her rocking horse, I watched her get on and off more than 20 times in a row one morning.  She does everything with enthusiasm! Here are a few of the cute things she's doing now:

• She gets our car keys, waves goodbye to everyone and heads to the front door like she's leaving.
• She loves to bring Evan his shoes and bike helmet and insist that he put them on.  Then she begs him to get on his unicycle.  She loves to watch him ride!
• She loves to sing and knows the hand motions to "Popcorn Popping."
• Sometimes when she's tired, instead of saying, "Hi" or "Bye" she says, "Die" and it makes us all laugh as she enthusiastically tells us to "Die."
• She has the best silly/cheesy smile, especially when Marianne encourages her.
  

This and that

Elder Aaron and his companion found an apartment, so he doesn't have to sleep on the couch anymore! They had to move in with other elders at the last minute to make room for all the new sisters serving in Toronto.

I had a date with my sweetie to the symphony.  It was one of the best performances ever.  We enjoyed Bach, Schumann and a Concerto for two pianos by a modern composer, Poulenc.

Brianne started ballet lessons. She is the cutest little ballerina ever.

I went wheat-free this week after reading this book recommended by a dear friend. I had been praying about my health and wondering what to do.  Just a few hours later we were finishing a conversation when she said, "Wait, I have to tell you about this book."  The results have amazed me.  I have much more energy and none of the cravings for snacks and sweets.  We shall see how the weight loss goes.

Lavender took her very first steps just a month ago and now she is running around everywhere.

Marianne and Evan dissected a sheep brain with their cousins as part of their biology class. Their Uncle Brian is a great lab instructor.

I got to go the temple this week!

Three Things Today

#1  I tried adding organic dandelion greens to my morning smoothie.  The flavor was too strong for me, even when I kept reminding myself how healthy it was.  I gave the leftovers to Lavender and she loved it!

#2  Marianne and Evan were able to spend time in the temple this morning.  I am grateful they were able to go and serve in such a beautiful and peaceful place.  

Photo from 2010 on Ryan and Molly's special day at the temple!

  While Marianne and Evan were gone, I asked Cammi to come and play with Lavender so I could get some laundry and cleaning done.  Lavender was thrilled to have a playmate and Cammi was a great little babysitter.

#3 We received both an email and a letter in the mail from Elder Aaron! Yeah!! Inside the envelope was a very thick pass along card.  Actually it was a few cards taped together.

I had to get out my scissors to cut them apart.  This is what I found inside:

It was his clever way of packaging his memory cards to send to us.  We will upload the photos to our computer and then send them back to him.  I am not so clever and will use a small padded envelope when I return them!  Here is my favorite photo from the memory cards:

Three happy things today!  I sure love my kiddos.  Even when they're all grown up!

Christmas Cleaning

My mom was the queen of Christmas decorating.  I've never matched her level, but I do have lots of nativities and other decorations.  This year I haven't gotten out even half of our Christmas stuff.  Mainly, this is because I feel like I need to do some serious cleaning first.  A couple of weeks ago I felt a prompting that we needed to clean out the hall closet under the stairs.  We discovered that one of our water storage containers had leaked.  The leak must have happened quite awhile ago because there was some mold.  Our wooden train board was ruined and one of the baseboards was moldy and had to be thrown out, but fortunately it hadn't gotten into the drywall!  We cleaned everything with bleach just to be sure and now things are as good as new.

This experience reminded me of some cleaning Elder Aaron has done recently.  I'll let you read about it in his own words:

October 22nd in Leamington. Ontario :  When we cleaned out the baptismal font a few weeks ago there were a lot of dead crickets and spiders in the font (Leamington hasn't had a baptism in over six months). But it was clean for John's baptism.

December 10th in Timmins. Ontario:   We had cleaned the font on Saturday and assumed everything would be fine. The first time we filled up the font, the water was a murky dark green color. So we had to drain it and fill it up again ( and we didn't have a lot of time before the service was supposed to start). Apparently the same water had been sitting in the water heater for ten months and acquired a green color. But in the end, all was well. The water was nice and clear. 

This got me thinking.   What really needs cleaning this Christmas is probably my heart.  What spiders and green gunk do I have lurking there?  Are there things I need to let go of?  People I need to forgive? Fears I need to release?  

Isn't that really what Christmas is all about?  Coming before our Savior with clean hands and a pure heart.

So Far Away

Did you know that John and I have never had our whole family together?  Aaron left on his mission while I was pregnant with Lavender, so of course they've never met.  I am really looking forward to our 2013 family Christmas photo!

During the past week while Marianne has been in Ecuador, it has been strange to think that two of our children are so far away from home.  It makes me feel a bit scattered, but I am grateful for the opportunities that both of them have to serve and grow.

I got an email from Marianne this morning.  She said they are planning to de-flea their bedroom this afternoon.  Those are words I never expected to hear from my daughter--at least not without wailing and gnashing of teeth!

She has worked several shifts in the orphanage and also at a rural daycare facility.  She has also gotten to shop, go to church, feel homesick, travel to the beach, zipline and see the sights!  She fed a bottle to a baby girl with lots of dark hair just about Lavender's age.  She couldn't imagine her own little sister being placed in an orphanage.

Here are a couple of photos.  Sorry there are none of her with the children, but they are not allowed to take any pictures in the orphanage.

Aaron has been in Canada for seven months now.  He is still in Toronto, still in the same branch, still with his MTC companion.  Good thing he is content with constancy!  The work is slow among the Korean people.  They have had one baptism since he has been there.  Aaron was able to confirm "Rocky."  They talk to many North Koreans and meet people from all over the world.  He and his companion have been surviving the summer heat by fixing their leaking air conditioning unit and eating cold cereal for dinner.

Here are a couple of photos of Elder Aaron.

It is exciting to see my children travel to places I have never been and do things I have never done. Yes, there are challenges, illnesses and difficulties.  Hopefully these will prepare them well for the journey of life that lies ahead .  I know the Lord has great things in store for each of them.

Our Elder Aaron

On Sunday we left church 15 minutes early.  We wanted to be home in time to receive a call from Elder Aaron.  Yes, it was Mother's Day, but it was also his 20th birthday.  We were excited to talk to him.  I told him I wished he could see Lavender and he said, "Well we are allowed to skype, but we couldn't find anyone in the branch who had a computer we could use."  That made me kind of sad.

Then we asked him about the Korean branch.  We knew they were struggling with less than 20 members attending and the stake leaders were considering disbanding it.  Elder Aaron told us that they finally had a branch activity.  He and his companions (yes they are still a threesome) were excited because they hadn't had any activities since they've been there.  Then the branch president told them the activity would be a health seminar presented by a doctor in the branch.  The missionaries didn't think that sounded very appealing and suggested adding a potluck or something, but the plan was already set.  So the elders forged ahead and invited all their investigators and less active members.

So how did it turn out?  Well, the branch president and his wife came.  So did the doctor and his wife.  With the three missionaries, they had a grand total of 7 in attendance.  Finally, about 30 minutes into the seminar, one of the less active members arrived.  He has since told them he isn't interested in the church.  Sigh!

Elder Aaron is enjoying the opportunity to meet people from all over the world.  They have taught several people from North Korea.  Most likely they had to leave illegally, so I'm sure they have some exciting stories.  There are immigrants from all over the world in Toronto, so there are 6 or 7 different languages spoken in the mission.  In fact, they are the only mission with Farsi speaking elders.  It isn't a language taught in the MTC, but the mission president assigns English speaking elders to learn Farsi and work with the Iranians in the area.

Today Elder Aaron got a new companion, a native Korean speaking elder who has been serving as an English speaking elder for the past few months.  They will be moving downtown and will work in the southern part of the city while his former companions work in the north.

We hope this will be a good change for all of the elders and give Elder Aaron the chance to improve his Korean and find new teaching opportunities.  We know that Lavender is proud of her big brother because when we were reading his latest email, she said something that sounded remarkably like "Aaron."  All four of us heard it, so no one can accuse me of being a crazy mom.  But if they did, it wouldn't be the first time.

Crazy Things A Good Mom Does

I'm not sure if these prove that I'm crazy or that I'm a good mom.  Take your pick.

Evidence #1
So, we've come up with a name for the baby.  What do you think of Flipper?  Okay, not really.  But it should be her nickname.  She gets in the perfect "ready to be born" position for a day or two and then during the night she flips into a breech position.  We are trying several methods to convince her to keep her head down, but the funniest one is playing music down where her head it supposed to be.  It's not so bad when I'm in the car.  I just hit shuffle and put my phone on the seat when I sit down.  But at home my family thinks I am really weird.  Marianne is a good sport though and has been choosing music she thinks the baby will like.  This morning it was September by Earth, Wind and Fire.  It actually did wake her up and get her moving.  Now if we can just keep her moving in the right direction!

Evidence #2
Elder Aaron has been a missionary for four months now and I kind of feel like THIS.  So when Aaron mentioned a couple of Korean books that would be really helpful "if they're not too expensive," I set out to find them.  The first one was easy to find and inexpensive.  The second one I had to order from Seoul Selection.  And that isn't just a catchy name.  It is in Seoul, Korea.  It was reasonably priced so I placed my order.  As I was checking out, I realized that the shipping rate from Seoul was a bit more than I expected.  But hey, what mom doesn't want her missionary son to have the best in Korean grammar books?!  I figured it was kind of like contributing to the church missionary fund.  To make matters worse, I mistakenly thought that shipping rates to Toronto would be about the same as to New York.  Just take a look at the map.  Wrong.  Next time I have a package for my missionary, I might just fly there and give it to him in person!

Aaron's Birth

Shortly after Aaron was born, I wrote about his birth and how I prepared for it.  I mention this so you will know I am not relying on 20 year old memories to tell this story.  Nor have I  have conveniently "forgotten" the pain over the years.

With the exception of a minute or two, Aaron's birth was in fact, pain-free.  Really.  The whole labor and the delivery.  Yes, I felt pressure and I was uncomfortable at times, but I wasn't in pain.  How did this happen?

 Preparation!

Well before Aaron's birth I began working to deal with my fears, to free myself from the need to be in control, to forgive myself and others (remember that rude nurse I told you about last time) and to develop trust in my current doctor, the nurses and my own body.

I am blessed to have parents who believed in the possibility of a pain-free birth and who knew how to help me emotionally heal from the previous birth and prepare for the upcoming one.  Working with my parents helped to calm and prepare me.  I knew I needed to change my mindset and think of contractions as "work" rather than "labor pains."  I prepared a list of things to say to myself during labor and I reviewed them each night. 

 I also prepared by practicing relaxation techniques and labor positions with my husband for several weeks before I had the baby.  My natural inclination was to tighten up when I felt a contraction, so I needed to learn to relax the rest of my body during a contraction.

 Aaron was really a very considerate baby.  He came about 8 days early and he got his dad out of a rather boring business meeting!  I had lots of irregular contractions and other signs of impending labor (remember, I promised nothing graphic).  The next day I knew it was the  baby's birthday!  All day long I had regular (but painless) contractions and I worked to look forward to every contraction and how I was a little closer to having my baby.

During this time I also turned everything over to God.  John gave me a beautiful  priesthood blessing that helped me feel peaceful and confident.

 When we went to the hospital about 5 PM, I was only dialated to 4 cm and they wanted to send me home.  I looked so calm that they couldn't believe I was really in labor.  I convinced them to let me stay and my doctor came and broke my water.  Of course the contractions became stronger, but I was fine as I quietly repeated aloud all the affirmations I had prepared.  From 6:30 to 7:30  I was in transition.  I layed on my left side listening to soothing music that I had listened to during my relaxation practice.  John put his hands on my back to support me.  He reminded me to relax and let the contractions do their work.  He encouraged me and told me that every contraction was one less I needed to have.  I continued repeating the things I had practiced.

 What helped me the most was to remember that the Savior had already suffered the pain of birth.  I told myself that Jesus Christ loved me and did not want we to suffer and that I could turn it over to Him.  I said this aloud too.  I only felt pain at one time when I changed my position and I let some fear creep in.

 At one point the nurse checked me and said I was at 8 cm and hadn't progressed at all since the last time she checked.  I quickly forgave her because I knew I was progressing.  I continued to visualize my body preparing for birth.  Five or ten minutes later I was ready to push.  The nurse was disbelieving and hesitated, but John insisted she get the doctor.  After about 5 minutes of painless pushing, our baby was born.  I was so excited that his birth had been a beautiful, positive experience.

 Although I never had an ultrasound during my pregnancy, I was sure that our baby was a girl.  When the doctor said, "It's a boy!"  I was so surprised that I turned to John and asked, "Is it really a boy?"  Everyone must have thought I was crazy. 

 During the pregnancy, we spent a lot of time discussing names for our baby girl.  One day I thought we should choose a boy's name, just in case.  Suddenly the name Aaron James came into my mind.  It surprised me because I had never particularly liked the name Aaron.  But John immediately agreed and we wrote it down.  So when Aaron was born, I asked John, "Do you still want to call him Aaron James?"  We both felt like it was supposed to be his name.  I have always felt like it was a name I received through revelation.

 Lessons I learned from Aaron's birth:

• Birth doesn't have to be a painful experience
• Labor is work, like running a race, but there is a wonderful prize at the finish line
• Forgiveness, trust and gratitude bring the Spirit
• Preparation brings peace
• Rely on the Lord in all things

He's There!

Since Monday I've been relying on the philosophy of "no news is good news."  Thankfully we now have some actual good news!  We got an email from Elder Aaron's mission president.  He arrived and is doing well and will be serving in the North York area of Toronto.  He has two companions right now.  His trainer is Elder Lee and his other companion is none other than Elder Snarr who has been his MTC companion for the last 12 weeks.

We can't wait until next week when we'll get an email from Aaron himself.  We are happy to have a few pictures to tide us over until then.

With President & Sister Scott

With his "new" companions